Trials of Faith

ISBN 1-59129-519-X

September 2002

Copyrighted by: Crystal Ratcliff

Do not reprint without permission.

1

Cassandra sat on the floor in the bathroom of her apartment wiping the tears from her eyes. She had just made the biggest mistake of her life. Things had been going bad for some time now, but this topped it all. She was feeling more guilt than ever before and there was tightness in her chest that wouldn’t go away. What is wrong with me? Am I going to die? Oh God, please don’t let me die. I promise I’ll change. I will do things right from here on out. I remember what the Bible says about my body being the temple of God. I know it was wrong. I’m sorry. As she prayed she felt the tightness around her heart relaxing. She stood up and decided she needed some air. She left the party that she and her friends were throwing undetected. She did not want to explain herself right now.

As she walked along the sidewalk just below her second floor apartment, her best friend and roommate spotted her. “Cassie, where are you going?” she called after her from an open window.

“I just need some air. I’ll be back in a little while.” In truth, she wouldn’t be able to return to the apartment until morning if she wanted to avoid the party. Cassandra and her roommate had decided to throw a party just before everyone went home for Christmas break. Now she regretted it with all of her heart. How could I have done that? I’ve always been so against drugs, and now…Well, I’m a hypocrite. But I will never do it again, she thought to herself while continuing down the sidewalk.

Cassandra was not sure where she was going and the more she thought about it, she just wanted to get in her car and start the trip home. Her parents lived two hours from the university she had chosen to attend. When she had selected Kansas University, the distance from her parents had been a big influence in the decision. She wanted her space, her freedom. Now she wished

she had chosen the local junior college and stayed at home.

Cassandra and her best friend, Elizabeth Monroe, moved to Lawrence in July and found a great apartment to share. Her first semester in college started out very well. She enjoyed all of her classes and was meeting new people. College was very different than her small town high school though. In high school, it was popular not to drink and smoke, and certainly not to do drugs.

Cassandra and Beth had quickly found out that to fit in here they were going to have to get a little wild. They started drinking only a few weeks after their arrival when they attended their first college party. From there everything started to spiral downward for Cassandra. She was now drinking at least every weekend and had taken up smoking. She knew it was wrong. She had

been raised in church all of her life, but she didn’t want to be labeled a ‘weirdo.’ The guilt after each episode was quickly fading away and her heart was getting harder and harder. But every time she did something new, she was stricken with guilt. Tonight was the worst guilt she had experienced and she was ready to go home.

Cassandra turned back toward her apartment. She figured she could sneak into her apartment, grab the bag she already had packed, and head home. She just needed to let Beth know so she wouldn’t worry about her.

“I’m heading home,” she told Beth after dragging her into her bedroom.

“Why? Are you okay?” her friend questioned.

“Yes. I just…I just want to go home.”

“It’s awfully late.”

“I know.” Cassandra paused. “Do you ever feel guilty for the things we’ve started doing?” She could see her friend looked confused. “The partying and everything.”

“No,” Beth said simply. “Be careful going home, Cass. Your dad is going to kill you.”

Cassandra nodded her agreement and said good-bye to her friend. She pondered over how they had changed so much in a few short months. She felt sick to her stomach thinking about how disappointed her family would be if they knew the person that she’d become. Cassandra pushed the thoughts away as she started the drive home. I’ll feel better when I get home.

Cassandra quietly walked into her parents’ home. She didn’t want to wake anyone, especially since she wasn’t sure how she would explain coming home at four in the morning. She climbed up the stairs of the two-story ranch style home and made it to the door to her bedroom door before she was stopped by the sound of her brother’s voice.

“Cass, what are you doing?” he whispered, looking very groggy yet concerned as he peeked out his own bedroom door.

“I’m sorry, Chris. Did I wake you? I decided to come home a little early, that’s all.”

“It’s four in the morning, Cass. Are you okay?” There was no missing the concern in her younger brother’s voice.

“I’m fine. Just a little tired that’s all. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

She retreated to her bedroom and enjoyed how it was the same as it always had been. At least something is the same, even if I’m not. She crawled into her bed and began to think more about the party and found that she couldn’t sleep.

She went over to her desk and grabbed the Bible that was in the bottom drawer. She was ashamed that she had not even taken it with her to Lawrence. Cassandra flipped through her Bible and found an old study guide from her youth group. ‘Salvation Assurance’ was the title of the lesson and she knew it was exactly what she needed. Dear Lord, am I saved? If I’m saved, why do

I sin so much? Help me understand what I’m reading. She turned to the first Scripture listed, Ephesians 2:1-10, and started to read and pray. Help me to accept your gift and to put these doubts out of my mind. I’m sure it is Satan causing me to doubt. Forgive me for my sins and

help me to do better. I know that I’m saved. How could I not be? I’ve gone to church all my life. She felt a little better, but there was still something nagging at her. She lay awake for some time before she was able to close her eyes and fall asleep.

“Cassie, are you going to join us for lunch?” her mom was saying as she opened the blinds in Cassandra’s room. Cassandra responded by covering her head with her blanket and groaning her refusal.

“Honey, when did you get in? You know your father doesn’t like you driving too late at night, so I’m assuming you got here right after we went to bed. Around 11:00?” Marlene Smith had a way with her daughter. Cassandra immediately felt guilty.

“It was a little later.” Cassandra mumbled as she peeked out from under the covers. She knew she would be getting a lecture from her father about her poor decision to drive home in the middle of the night.

Her mother gave her a disapproving look, but said nothing. “Do you want some lunch?” Marlene asked as she gave her youngest daughter a kiss on the top of her head.

“Yeah. I’ll be down in a minute.”

Marlene left the room and wondered exactly what time her daughter did get home last night. She didn’t really want to, but she knew she would have to tell her husband, Curtis. He would be upset with Cassandra, but he would handle it well. He always did. Marlene stopped in the living room and had a quick conversation with her husband before heading to the kitchen. She went into the kitchen and got out the bread, turkey, mayonnaise, chips, and paper plates. It wasn’t too long before two of her four children and her husband came to join her.

Cassandra was the first to come in. Her youngest daughter was still looking pretty tired. She had made an effort to look presentable though. She had slipped on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, her long blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail. She came over and hugged her mother. “Can I help with any thing?”

“Of course not, Dear. I’m so glad you’re home. You just sit down and I’ll make you a sandwich.” Chris, the youngest of the Smith children, made his entrance next. “Chris, why don’t you get some pop out of the fridge for everyone?”

“Sure, Mom. I suppose Cassie doesn’t have to do anything.” He joked, rolling his eyes at his sister. Cassandra was just a year older than Chris and the two had always been close. “Just because we haven’t seen her in two months doesn’t mean we can’t put her to work,” he said, winking at Cassandra.

“You’re just jealous.” Cassandra shot back. “It will be your turn next year. Have you decided where you’re headed?”

“I thought maybe I’d follow my big sister around at KU. What do you think?”

“That would be fine with me, assuming you didn’t tell anyone we were related.” She turned and saw her dad enter the kitchen and hurried over to give him a hug, “Hi Dad.”

“Well, hello. I didn’t know you were coming home last night. What time did you get in?” Curtis Smith asked easily. He had already talked to his wife and knew that it was later than he would have liked.

Cassandra looked at Chris. She knew Chris wouldn’t say anything. They had covered for each other many times. “It was pretty late.” Cassandra confessed. “I was just in such a hurry to start my winter break and I couldn’t wait until today to make the trip home.”

“Honey, you know I don’t like you driving home so late at night by yourself. It could be dangerous. Will you keep that in mind next time you are so antsy to come home?”

“Okay, Dad. I’m sorry.”

“Let’s have some lunch!” Chris said bringing the pop to the table, followed by his mom with the sandwiches.

The family bowed their heads as Curtis prayed over the food. Cassandra was glad to be home. She was enjoying her family so much she didn’t realize it was getting so late in the afternoon until her older sister, Melissa, burst into the kitchen, dropping her bags and throwing her arms around her mother.

“Hello everyone. I missed you all so much!” Melissa was now hugging their father before turning to Cassandra and Chris. “What are you doing here already? I thought I would beat you home.” This question was directed to Cassandra, but Melissa didn’t wait for an answer. “Chris, how tall are you? You just keep growing and growing!”

Marlene sat back and watched her family as they all greeted each other. Melissa did most of the talking, but then she always did. Melissa was a senior at Colorado State University so seeing her was a special treat for the Smith family. Between her job and school, she was rarely able to make the long trip home. Marlene was happy to have her girls home for the holidays.

As Cassandra sat in church the next day, she listened intently to Pastor Allen. He was talking about salvation and her heart was pounding. She looked for a distraction and spotted her older brother, Michael, and his wife, Shannon, across the auditorium. Michael gave her a smile and a wave. She couldn’t wait until Pastor Allen dismissed in prayer so she could go talk to them. At twenty-five, he was seven years older than Cassandra. He had been married for a little over a year and Shannon was expecting their first baby. Michael worked at the local oil refinery and Shannon was a cosmetologist.

Pastor Allen returned to the podium and made a few announcements before closing in prayer. As soon as the Amen was said, Michael and Shannon were on their way over to the other Smith clan.

“Hey, guys! How are you girls doing? Let’s go have some lunch,” Michael said.

“I have a roast in the oven. There’s plenty for everyone. I knew you all would have some catching up to do.” Marlene explained to her oldest child. After greeting each other, the group disbursed and headed to the Smith house. The roast Marlene had made was wonderful and everyone enjoyed it.

The family spent the better part of the afternoon talking and laughing before Shannon and Marlene announced they were ready for an afternoon nap. Curtis had already fallen asleep in his recliner, so the siblings decided to head to the driveway for a basketball game. Playing basketball had always been one of the family’s favorite activities. The group played for about an hour and

then decided to head in for a cold drink.

“So, how’s Shannon doing?” Melissa asked Michael.

“She is tired most of the time. She is ready for the baby to be born. I am too, but for different reasons.”

“How long does she have left?” Cassandra asked. “A month?”

“About that. She’s due January 20 th . We’re hoping she will have the baby while you girls are home.”

“That would be great. I can’t believe I’m going to be an aunt,” Cassandra said in awe.

“Have you set a date, Mel?” Chris asked.

“For what?” Melissa asked. She honestly had no idea what her little brother was referring to.

“Oh, come on, we can all tell by your letters that you are getting pretty serious with…uh, what’s his name? Greg?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Chris,” Melissa said defensively.

“Why do I know nothing about this, Mel?” Cassandra questioned.

“There’s nothing to know,” Melissa said, winking at her sister. Cassandra took the hint that they would definitely be discussing Greg later.

“I don’t care who it is, but I’m ready for someone else to get married. Take some of the pressure off Shannon and I to have babies. People are already asking us when we’re having another one and the first one isn’t even here yet!”

“Well, it seems that Mel is on her way to wedding bliss.”

“I never said anything about getting married in my letters, Chris, so just back off,” Melissa said quickly.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry.”

“Come on, Cass. Let’s go upstairs,” Melissa said, walking from the kitchen towards the stairs in the hallway.

“So tell me about this guy. You’ve been holding out on me,” Cassandra said as soon as they reached the privacy of Melissa’s bedroom.

“No I haven’t. Greg is just a good friend,” Melissa replied smiling, “right now.”

“Mel…”

“He’s wonderful, Cass. He is so sweet, the sweetest man I’ve ever known. Not to mention the most gorgeous. We’ve been getting to know each other for about a year, but we are really no more than friends. I can’t tell if he wants more or not. I certainly do, but haven’t found the nerve to tell him. I met him at church. He is in the choir and teaches the 2 nd grade boys Sunday school class.”

“Wow. He sounds great,” Cassandra said before her thoughts shifted. “You go to church in Colorado?”

“Of course, aren’t you going in Lawrence?” The look on Cassandra’s face was the only answer Melissa needed. “You need to have fellowship with other believers. Didn’t Mom and Dad find a church for you?”

“Well, they did and I went for awhile, but I just never felt at home there. And I’ve been really busy with school.” Even to her own ears, Cassandra’s words sounded lame.

“Sounds like excuses to me. You better get your act together. Do you want to ask Dad for the name of another church there?”

“No! If they knew I wasn’t going, they would be so mad. I’ll just try the first one again. Maybe I just need to give it another chance.”

In truth, Cassandra had only visited the church her father suggested in Lawrence a few times since she was in town. She had gone the first few weeks, but quickly realized that without anyone to answer to it was easier to sleep in or work on homework. Then when she started partying she felt too guilty to attend church. She purposed in her heart to visit there again when

she went back for the spring semester.

“Tell me more about Greg.”

Cassandra looked up when she heard a knock on her bedroom door. “Come in,” she called watching as her best friend came in her room. “Hi, Beth. When did you get home?” Cassandra had been home a week and Christmas was only a few days away.

“Yesterday. What have you been up to?”

“Not much. Just enjoying the break. I’ve done some Christmas shopping, but I need to go again. I still need a gift for Shannon. She’s hard to buy for because I don’t know her very well.”

“How ‘bout a trip to Wichita? I have some shopping to do too.”

“Okay. That sounds great. Let me see if Mel wants to come.” Cassandra went looking for her sister and found her in the kitchen with her mom. “Beth and I are going to Wichita to do some Christmas shopping. Do you want to come Mel?”

“No thanks. I’ve done my shopping and you couldn’t pay me enough to get out into that mad house.”

“Will you be back for supper, Dear?” her mom asked.

Cassandra looked at Beth who gave a shake of her head. “I don’t think so. Maybe we’ll catch a movie.” Beth smiled hugely. The girls had been friends since childhood and sometimes it was like they read each other’s minds.

“Don’t be too late. You know your father.” Marlene felt the need to remind her daughter.

“Okay. I’ll see you later.”

“Good-bye, girls. Be careful.” Marlene called after them as they headed out the door.

Wichita was the nearest city to the small town where the girls lived. Cassandra enjoyed the small town atmosphere, but it was nice to have a larger city just twenty minutes away. When the girls arrived at the mall, they started their Christmas shopping. Melissa had been right. The place was a mad house, but Cassandra had to find a gift for Shannon. On the drive over,

Cassandra and Beth decided to go out to eat and catch the six o’clock movie before heading home so they had plenty of time to do their shopping.

They went from store to store for almost three hours before Beth announced that she was finally finished with her shopping. Cassandra had found what she thought to be the perfect gift for Shannon two hours ago. It was a mother’s journal. Shannon could use it to record all of her thoughts, feelings, and frustrations of motherhood. Cassandra was more than ready to leave the crowds and find somewhere to eat. The girls decided on their old favorite, a Mexican restaurant across the street from the mall.

“I hate shopping.” Cassandra announced when they were seated.

“I love it! The crowds are a little tiring, but shopping is my favorite sport.”

“Oh Beth, you would consider it a sport,” Cassandra said, shaking her head. “What are your plans for Christmas?”

“Same old, same old. Visiting my grandparents, spending the day eating and sleeping. What about you?”

“About the same.”

“I almost forgot to tell you. We are going to a party on New Year’s Eve.”

“We?”

“You and me, silly. Wes Armstrong is having a huge bash. It will be great.”

“Wes Armstrong?” Cassandra thought her friend had lost it. Wes was in her high school graduating class. Although Cassandra got along with everyone, she had never actually hung out with Wes. He was too wild for her taste. The thought of going to one of his parties made her cringe. “I don’t know.”

“Why not?”

“Well, he is pretty wild.”

“In case you’ve forgotten Cassie, you aren’t so innocent yourself. At least not anymore.”

Cassandra didn’t know what to say. She is right, too right. But I don’t want anyone around here to know it. “I don’t think I want to go. It would be too weird.”

“You’ve changed, face it. You would fit in perfectly at that party. Are you afraid to let people know you aren’t perfect anymore?”

“I’ve never been perfect. I’m just not very proud of what I’ve done while I’ve been away at college and I plan to stop.” She paused. “Don’t you ever feel guilty?”

“No way. I’m just having fun. There is nothing wrong with having fun.”

“I didn’t have to drink and smoke to have fun in high school. Why do I

have to now?”

“You know as well as I do what the kids in Lawrence are like. Everyone does it.”

Cassandra let the matter drop. She could tell she wasn’t getting through to her friend. Wes Armstrong. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to go to the party. He has always been nice and he is gorgeous. Maybe I will go, but I don’t have to drink. How will I get my parents to agree? She thought as she watched her friend pull out her cigarettes and light up. I need a cigarette. As if Beth had been reading her mind, she offered one to Cassandra. Reluctantly she accepted it. She had not realized how badly she would miss smoking. She had slipped out one night earlier in the week to get her nicotine fix. It was going to be harder than she expected to quit the habit.

Christmas had come and gone and now Cassandra sat in front of the mirror in her bedroom debating what to do about the party that started in less than an hour. She almost had herself talked out of going when the phone rang. It was Beth.

“Are you ready?”

“No. I don’t know if I’m going,” Cassandra said nervously.

“You’re going. Get ready and I’ll be by to get you in a few minutes.”

“My parents aren’t going to let me go, Beth.”

“Why do you have to tell them where you’re going? You are in college now. Tell them you’re spending the night with me. You are, by the way.”

“You’re so bossy.”

“And you love me for it. See you in a few.”

“Beth, wait.” It was too late. Beth had already hung up.

Cassandra told herself that it wouldn’t hurt anything to go to the party and started to get ready. She quickly applied her make-up and curled her long blonde hair, slipped on her favorite pair of jeans and a shirt. Getting ready was easy compared to the confrontation with her parents that followed.

Cassandra chose to approach her mom instead of her dad.

“Mom, Beth’s on her way to pick me up. I’m going to spend the night with her tonight.”

“Let’s check with your father. You know how he doesn’t like you out on New Year’s Eve when so many are driving drunk.” Marlene immediately headed to the living room where Curtis was watching television and included him in the discussion. “Curtis, Cassie has made plans for this evening. She wants to spend the night with Beth.”

“Are you going straight to her house?”

Cassandra shook her head.

“What are you going to do?”

“We were going to meet with some of our friends from high school.”

“I see. Well, I don’t want you cruising around or anything. You need to plan on spending the evening somewhere and staying off the streets.”

“Of course,” Cassie said knowing they would be heading straight to the party. She wasn’t about to tell her parents that though.

It was on the tip of Curtis’s tongue to mention that he didn’t want her going to any parties where alcohol would be present, but he was interrupted when they heard the honk of a car horn. He also hoped that he didn’t need to remind his daughter of the rules he expected her to live by while in his house. However, Curtis couldn’t deny that his daughter had changed in the few

months that she had been away from home.

Cassandra’s parents watched her leave knowing she had just been less than truthful with them. “What do we do Curtis? We’re losing her.” Tears filled Marlene’s eyes as she spoke.

Curtis put his arm around his wife and gave her a squeeze. “Honey, give her to the Lord. He will take care of her.” He spoke more confidently than he felt.

“Have you smelled the smoke on her clothes when she comes back from her walks? At first I couldn’t believe it. She has always made such good choices.”

“It’s a lot easier to make good choices in a small town when you live with your parents than it is when you are out on your own. I think we need to pray for wisdom to talk with her about what is going on. We can’t just ignore it. Come on, Dear. Pray with me.”

Curtis took his wife’s hand and they knelt in the living room and prayed for their youngest daughter. Curtis and Marlene had been fortunate with Michael and Melissa. They had continued their walk with God even when they left the family home. The couple praised the Lord for this, but also asked for wisdom and instruction as they faced their daughter’s rebellion.

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